The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
(dir. Andrew Adamson)
Phone call from Hollywood Powersuit to prospective director of The Chronicles of Narnia…
‘.....we’re all going nuts here over the massive success of Jackson’s Rings Trilogy. Adapting much-loved children’s books and turning them into fantastical action movies is the shit du jour. So, how do you feel about the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?’
‘What? The CS Lewis classic about 4 children evacuated from WW2 London; sent to live in a big stately home they stumble through a Wardrobe and into the magical world of Narnia, where animals talk. Unwittingly, they become drawn into a war between good and evil. That could be a really good film.’
‘Exactly. So we want something similar to LOTR, but working with a far smaller budget.’
‘Oh. So who’ve we got to play the children? Some gifted child stars? An Elijah Wood type figure?’
‘Afraid not. Just a bunch of kids straight out of drama school, all of whom are extremely posh and extremely punch able.’
‘Really. But you must have some stars involved’
‘Well Tilda Swinton is down to play the Ice-Queen. Only, if you ask nothing of her, allowing her to coast through the film with the odd look of embarrassment. You can also have a really good cameo from Jim Broadbent.’
‘Great’
‘But only if you use him for less than 5minutes.’
‘Oh. And for voice-overs?’
‘Well the highly skilled Liam Neeson is on-board, so skilled in fact that he can make Aslan, the Mighty Lion King, seem more irritating than heroic.’
‘We must have some money for CGI.’
‘There’s a bit of cash for a couple of scenes. You’ll have to make do with fairly cheap looking sets and costumes for the rest. Can you bring it all in close to the two hour mark as well’
‘But won’t trying to squeeze all that into 2 hours, mean we leap from one ‘action’ scene to the next, without developing character or building tension.’
‘Maybe, but little children will love it.’
‘Shouldn’t we just not bother, save the money and not fuck up Pullman’s Dark materials Trilogy?’
‘Are you still there?’
25th May 2006 - Tumblr
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